Tuesday, June 12, 2012

What do two pink lines mean?

Whew! Only one line. ... Wait! Is that a second pink line? No, I can't tell. Yes. There is a second line. It's faint, but it's there. What do two pink lines mean? Did I read that wrong? It means... oh no!

I remember that day as clear as a bell.

I took the positive pregnancy test to my boyfriend, ready to show him what this little stick had to tell us about our future. He was sitting on his bed playing video games as I came to the bedroom door entry way, he smiled. I smiled a nervous smile back. He knew something was up and sincerely asked what was the matter. I told him it was nothing and tried to walk away. He walked to door, stopped me, and again asked if anything was the matter. I could no longer hold back the stream of tears from flowing down my face as I gave him the test. He took a couple of steps back and sat on the foot of the bed. Words were falling out of my mouth as fast as the tears were streaming out of my eyes. I said things like, "The second pink line is barley there but it's there." And "What are we going to do?" And, "How did this happen?"  He was speechless and the whole time staring at the test.  Once I was quiet he hugged me and started to cry with me.
The first thing we decided to do was to tell his mother. She was surprisingly supportive and loving. She suggested to make an appointment with Planned Parenthood to find out if the test I had taken was actually a false positive. 
We were able to make an appointment for the same day and sitting in that waiting room was worse then any hospital or doctor office I had ever been in. It was cold, white, and a feeling of shame haunted the waiting room like a thick fog. My name was called and I made my way back to the lady who had called my name. My feet made a hollow sound as as if to say, "You don't need her to confirm what you already know." My body knew it was true even if I wasn't willing to listen. She handed me the cup and led me to the bathroom. My hands were trembling with anxiety and again my body was telling me to stop denying what I know to be truth. I came out of the bathroom and I handed her my cup, still trembling.
She sat me in a room by myself that was just as white and cold as the waiting room. Posters of abortion filled the room with the same feeling of shame I felt in the waiting room. My heart was pounding like a war drum and I imagine it's because  my heart knew of the war that was coming. Staring at the posters, I could feel the war that I had started within myself was bigger then me and that I needed help.
The same lady who took me to the bathroom, who gave me an empty cup, and then took the cup when it was full came into the room with a clipboard and a binder full of paper. "Well your Pregnant!" She said this with a lot of sarcastic enthusiasm. I was shocked by my reaction. My hands became still and the drumming in my heart was soothed by gladness. I was happy! So happy! I was not prepared to receive "bad" news and accept it as joyful news. I was going to be a mother! I was going to have baby! 
It may be hard to believe that I was so happy when just a couple hours earlier I was so scared and upset. Believe me when I say that I had a hard time understanding too. I had no idea how I could go from one extreme to the other, but I did. I started to be real with myself and I came to three realizations that day. 1, I was pregnant. 2, I was going to have a baby. And 3, I love my baby!

I would like to invite anyone who may have questions about a adoption to ask them. It is the whole purpose of why I started this blog. I may not know the answers but I will do my best. Please do not be afraid to ask something you may think is too hurtful or too personal to ask. I have been asked a lot of both personal and hurtful questions and I enjoy educating those who do not know or understand.


  1. I think it's really cool that you're doing this. Kyle and I are ward missionaries now, and we're working with an investigator who is pregnant and giving her baby up through LDS services. It's turning out to be a really positive experience for her, as it has led her to feel much closer to God. We've also met the adoptive parents and they're also really happy to be getting a baby. Your blog helps me understand what this woman might be going through, and what a good thing adoption really can be.

  2. Eliza I'm so glad this helps! Placing a baby for adoption is an amazing thing and it can be positive. That's really all I want people to know.

  3. I found your blog through a friend that is trying to adopt. I read an article you posted about the harsh things people say. How right you are. I too am a Birthmother, but not just once. Apparently I can't learn something after the first time, I had to repeat it 2 more times. resulting in 4 children (yes, I had twins). All of which I ultimately chose to place for adoption. All of which are with the same family. All of which I love dearly and see often. I am now married and trying to start a family of my own. Having been trying for going on 5 years now, I have had to face some harsh facts. I have had to grieve all over again. I have had to get angry all over again. I have had to forgive all over again. And most importantly, I have had to realize that Heavenly Father actually does have a plan for me, it may not be on my time table, but he does have a plan. I need to trust Him. Anyway, I just wanted to say, thank you for sharing your story. Every Birthmother's story is amazing, every Birthmother is a hero, and every Birthmother should be treated as such! What we do is not the easy thing, it is actually the hardest thing. It is a bittersweet experience we wouldn't trade for the world, yet wouldn't wish upon our worst enemy. Anyway, I am proud of you (is that weird, since I don't even know you). I hope not. I am proud of you because you share your story, you open yourself for the world to see. I am not as good at doing that. I am very selective with whom I will share my story with. Maybe it is because I am still learning to forgive myself, or maybe because it is too sacred to me to share with anyone, regardless. You are awesome for sharing! Thank you!

    1. HO-LY COW! You have a story that should be told and probably written as a screen play. The feeling is mutual, I am also very proud of you. Doing something like that for four children something to be proud of!