Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day

Last weekend was mother's day weekend. I say weekend because, as a birthmother, I am appreciated both Saturday and Sunday. Mother's day, by my husband and boys, and the day before is the unofficial official birthmother's day.
There are always mixed emotions with this weekend; anger and guilt, emptiness and fulfillment, happiness and sadness. I am angry that my Rose does not call me "mommy." I feel guilty that I am raising three boys without her. I feel empty because I have one child that is not with me on this day. Sadness will overwhelm me when I realize these things are true, and it's painful and lonely. Then I hear her voice, wishing me a "Happy Birthmother's day" I remember why I choose to place her. I remember that through the pain I will find happiness. It's true that every storm has a rainbow and my Rose is my rainbow. 
It was my rainbow that helped lead me to my pot of gold. My big heaping pot of happy joyful gold! My family, my husband, and our three sons. 
My mother's day weekend will mainly remind me of two things.
First. I am the mother of three beautiful little boys! I am reminded of that every time I am brought every single dandelion in every single lawn;  every time my oldest reads his books to me, every time I see the permanent marker on the bathroom wall from my middle son, and every time I bring my baby close to sing him a lullaby. I am gently reminded by my sons that I am their mother and they love me for it. 
Second. I am the birthmother of one amazing little girl! I get the privilege of watching her grow into a beautiful daughter of God. I get to be there as an influence in her life,  so that she may be stronger then me. That she will always remember who she is. I don't get to mother her in the same sense that I get to mother my sons but it's because I wasn't prepared for her. Her mother was! Her mother is amazing. Her mother is one of my closest, dearest, and a sincere friend. If not for her, then I would have never realized just how important my role as a birthmother is. 
I have been blessed by four of the most amazing of God's souls. I am the mother of three sons, three warriors of God. I am the birthmother of a daughter of God. I am happy! Kids playing with bubbles, kind of happy. Baby's first laugh, kind of happy. Being in the temple, kind of happy. I am so immensely happy, and if being this happy meant that I had to go through sadness, loneliness, and anger; then I will take it. Without bad there is no good. Without sadness there is no happiness. I have struggled with great sadness so that I may obtain great happiness. I have obtained it, and I intend to keep it. Forever!

1 comment:

  1. You are an incredible mother...words cannot adequately express our gratitude for you!!! So glad we are in this together! LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!