Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Her life was not my mistake

On facebook a couple of days ago I read in a comment, of a very heated thread, that disturbed me so much I have to vent here. This is the part that  I warn you about triggers... read lightly. So here it goes. The comment I read was from a dear birthmother friend of mine that had an experience with an adoptive mother. My birthmother friend, Tamra Hyde, was once in a conversation with an Adoptive mom who had a misplaced (that's putting it lightly) opinion about birthmothers. The mom's opinion was that birthmothers are always put on a pedestal. A pedestal that she couldn't understand because as birthmothers we are the ones who screwed up and as adoptive mothers, they are the ones who bailed us out.  ... Let me build it up like this ...

How I would have reacted...
confused gifs photo:  tumblr_l7x4t6koBf1qbhz93.gif

How I would have felt...
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What I would have thinking...
 come at me bro gifs photo: come at me bro GoT bro.gif

What I would have liked to do...
punching gifs photo: Hermione punching Draco HermionepunchingDraco.gif

What I actually would have done...
leaving gifs photo: Hyde leaving 2h3u0jn.gif

I did screw up. I had unprotected sex with a man I wasn't going to spend my life with. Because of the unprotected sex, we conceived a life. A life that I wasn't prepared to care for, especially alone. That life was not the mistake!!! Again, so not to be misunderstood...  


   Is unprotected sex wrong? The answer, No! The mistake I made was having bad timing. Participating in unprotected sex with a man, who I was not married to, was my mistake. My daughter was my grace! My daughter was my salvation. My daughter was my everything. While she was everything to me, I was not able or prepared to be everything for her. Which is why I placed her for adoption.
    The Latter Day Saints have received guidelines that read,"Unwed parents who do not marry should not be counseled to keep the infant as a condition of repentance or out of an obligation to care for one’s own." If you believe this to be true, than isn't it fair to say that my personal forgiveness from our Heavenly Father, was not contingent upon the placement of my daughter? Allow me to educate the ignorant woman who so boldly spoke to Tamyra. My daughter's mother, did not bail me out! I bailed myself out! Through excruciating and dedicated repentance, I gained forgiveness from my Heavenly Father. I learned what, not who, was my mistake and we all know that with every choice comes consequence. Her conception wasn't my consequence; THAT, I felt on the day of placement. Because of my impatience and rebelliousness, I missed many opportunities in raising my child. I would not nurse her or kiss her goodnight. I would not teach her how to tie her shoes or pull out her first tooth. I would not be there for her first heartbreak or to help plan her wedding.
   Martha Brockenbrough, Seattle author and founder of National Grammar Day; poetically wrote, "When you miss someone, they leave a person-shaped hole behind in the world that nothing can ever fill."  I was left with a 6 pound 19 inch hole in my heart. (If that doesn't sound very big, keep in mind the average human heart is 1 half pound and 5 inches around.) I sure did miss my little girl and with an open wound I trudged through the repentance process. How ironic is it, that because of the mistake I made, I was given the opportunity for repentance? Aren't we all given that same opportunity? Humans do not have the power to bail other humans out of their mistakes. An LDS song, Gently Raise the Sacred Strain, reads, "Tho your sins be crimson red, Oh, repent, and he’ll forgive."
HE'LL FORGIVE!  How blind this women is, to have been mislead to believe so much fallacy about adoption. How sad is it, that she targets birthmothers with toxic information and opinions. How lucky we are to have such a merciful and loving Heavenly Father. That we may be able to not just be forgiven but we can heal though the atonement. Every pain in life, from ignorant comments to loss of a child, has the potential to be restored through the atonement. How great it is that our Heavenly Father, does not put me or Tamra in the same light as the adoptive mother did. 
    In times like these, when offense happens it important to remember we must learn to forgive as we have been forgiven. Latter Day Saints also have been commanded to repent. Neil Anderson, a member of the Quorum of  the Twelve Apostles, said,"For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God."
  So now that I have vented, you must excuse me... I have some repenting to do.



  1. *clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap*

    Brava! BRAVA!

  2. Hopefully your friend sends her a link to this blog post. :)